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Sunny Days: Survival Guide for Daughters-in-Law
While blog hopping I came across this heartfelt post of a very young daughter in law which really resonated within me. I married the only child of a super possessive mother and that was one major hurdle to our happily ever after …. but this is not what this post is about. Ex is happy elsewhere – thank goodness and I am happy being mother and single. I never got suckered into becoming wife again. In my youth I would have probably not been so adjusting and have written something like this lady has
Mamma of Twins: The Missing Counsel
Now I am looking at relationships from a different perspective – I am a mother in law. DIL is a delight, fun to be with. I like what women have become these days – confident, witty and with the ability to be straightforward. She is new to the idea of being DIL and as a mother in law, I think I suck big time!!! Even the internet does not have answers for How to be a Mother-in-law. Go ahead – google for it and you will know. You even have anonymous groups called “I Hate my Mother in Law” for godsakes!!!!
So here is a survival guide for mother in laws – totally based on my experience
- Every girl is cautioned that Mother in Law is not a mother, the same applies both ways you know, daughter in laws are not daughters.
- Do not ever try to guide your daughter in law in the same manner as you guide your children, she will interpret it as criticism of her taste/her intellectual ability/her capability and you are left thinking WTF, I never meant that!!!!
- Remember always that she left her home and family to come live in your home. Its tough and lonely. It will take time for her to adapt to your ways. Remember your days, when you did not even have the option of speaking your mind out.
- Do not expect your son to take sides with either you or with her. Remember how useless your hubby was when you complained about his mother???? Men avoid “Women’s fights” like the plague and deal with it by surfing the net or having a beer with male friends watching sports, hoping that the issue disappears.
- Keep your individuality and allow her to retain hers. You are way to old to change anyway. She is what she is, and your son loves her the way she is. So if you try to bully/dominate her, it will make both your son and her hate you. Your son might forgive you later, she never will.
- If your son and daughter in law are fighting, do not take sides. They will make up and your role will make you the villian. Why, they will perhaps blame you as the instigator of the fight.
- When you are mad with her – for any reason, apply the DAUGHTER TEST. Just take time out to think how you would react if your daughter were doing the same thing. Chances are that you would take a more lenient view to the issue in question.
- Do not expect her to dress a certain way or to eat certain stuff just because it is traditional. Traditions are values which is pretty solid stuff – not the outer covering. Your son has been raised by you and has imbibed your values. The girl of his choice will have similar values.
- As and when they decide to live away from you, let them go with a smile. I would also add, ask them to make out a list of the stuff they need – you know basics to start their own home. There is plenty lying in your own home that you dont need – like dishes, cookers, chesters. You can ask them to take these things with them. They will do for them as starters and they will be grateful too. And you have less stuff to maintain.
- You have handed over your son to his wife. She is his first priority – not you. So chill okay. If he spends more time with her, dont sulk. If they do want to go out with you or spend time with you, they would come and be with you. Its their zamana, not yours. Plus at this age, you would not survive their pace, their food, their loud music. Notice I said “their” They are a team now, you are the bystander. Accept it.
- Lastly and most importantly ….. Be nice to the girl your son brings home – remember that she is the one who will be around when you are old and frail. Also she is the mother of the grandchildren you hope to pamper.
40 Responses to “The irony of being a Mother In Law”
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Loved your post! I cam across it by chance. Very interesting, practicle & worthy tips indeed.
Hope all M-I-Ls are reading.
Thank you serendipitouslife – I am trying to be a mother in law right now …. tho I would prefer to be woman friend to my daughter in law instead. Wish it works
wow- linking u back!! wish i cud send it to a fw people i know
Man! Your son and DIL are so lucky to have you!! I wish there was a way to get the MIL to read this fab post of yours!!!
You have summed up the essence of being a good MIL quite well. I hope this goes out to people in a big way!
Very sensible advice. If only more women were so pragmatic. I hope I will be whenever I graduate from mother to mother-in-law:)
may i fall at your feet
I wish mothers in law were like you- mature adults, not unnecessarily hostile people… But hostility exists, contingent with irrational “expectations” that speak a world of how much the “dear son” is loved at home- I personally feel that if people do not treat their DILs like humans, they are sending out a message to their son that he and his choices do not count for them. And in all fairness in my personal experience that is what I have seen too. Rational people do not control their children’s lives. They live- and evolve with the relationship.
A wonderful blog.
Thanks @Itching, wish I could mail this to my MIL in hell …. Where I am sure she is
@Desigirl, take a printout and leave it on her dressing table LOLLLL
Thanks Ravin and Dipali
Thanks @The Mad Momma …. Its just an effort to reach out to the other side hoping for understanding. Like I said in the beginning – there is no guide to being a MIL and I am new at the job.
Woww this is such a nice post.. wish more MILs thought like you. And I must say,your DIL is really lucky..to have and understanding MIL like you.
@Alankrita, the basic problem is two fold, i.e. Insecurity+handing over. A son is v v special to his mother and every one, self included hates the idea of there being someone who has priority over his affections. So some mothers react by being unreasonable. Plus one hates losing the spotlight which was ones right for so many years.
Being single parent to both my boys since they were little kids – I was terrified that I would not be able to handle it well … but luckily my DIL and I get along nicely
lovely ideas… only if we could have more mil’s thinking like u life would be a great place for both mil dil and ofcourse the guy
though i agree there are extremes in the dil section also
heh mom did u send this to esha…..she shud read it!!!!!am sure there wud be a diff chapter to write abt for u :p
Thanks @Monika
Maddy you nut!!!! The idea about writing a blog is that my kids specially Kid#1 and his spouse dont know about it. LOLLL I can just imagine Esha trying desperately to come out with something insane on this one!!!!
I would’ve offered to marry your son, you know.
Had I known in time!
Just came across this one although Itchy sent me the link some time ago. Well written. Although I do think you should make it clear that nobody needs to kowtow to a DIL’s decree only out of fear of being abandoned.
Also, wanted to add, from the younger generation’s point of view, it’s insulting to the husbands if their mothers act like they are mindless puppets and can and must be controlled.
Well written, btw.
I think you are more mature than most- like my own mum is- a lot of other people do not think as much about the “handing over” or “insecurity”- if only they did some quiet introspection.
Its more of “doing what is expected” what the other is “supposed” to do- in some strange time and Ekta Kapoor serial honored tradition without much analysis that creates the problems. Unnecessary hostility, snarkiness , comments about language, clothes and what not- all stem from that. Mature people despite feeling a little insecure do not go to that extreme antagonizing others of bullying them.
But, I reiterate, you are different- don’t lump yourself with people who are not.
Thank you very much Sue and Alankrita. I never did or will do what is expected I guess …. so traditions do not matter very much to me specially those advocated by Ekta who sucks big time. I sooo hate those serials that I either watch HBO or Wrestling on Sports Chanel. At least those dont try my patience.
Am reading your blog Sue. I give you a medal for honesty
AM adding your blog to my roll
Thanks Alankrita, am visiting yours too
ritu …I too wwant to fall at your feet ,for different reasons
..how about giving some lessons to my MIL ..she needs them desperately .hey I need to write the other side of the story …loved the post…absolute delight ..wait till you read what this DIL has to say ..who wouldn’t like a mom i law like you … 
Thanks Tiku …. yeah, I could also write an entire novel about life as a DIL – the major cause of my divorce – not saying that both ex and I were angels …..
A fine post. I think the real test of time begins when a child comes into the equation untill then its still manageable.
Emotions and rationality probably do not go hand-in-hand.
OMG Sunita, you mean I should hold off the feeling of complacency ??? Here I thought I had dealt with stuff well. Yeah you are right … emotions and rationality do not go hand in hand. I would spoil the brat silly and his mother would go ballistic – since she is a major fan of tough love. Hmmmm
[...] Orissa Author: Amit Why Indian Culture Prefers Boys Author: Nimmy Innocence No More Author: Kartz Irony of Being a Mother-in-Law Author: [...]
Hmmm Ihave a v cool MIL, We are very cordial and affectionate, My daughter dotes on my inlaws(not her real grandparents but she likes them better :p)and pls realise I married her only child after both of us had bad marriages. The earlier DIL blamed my MIL for most of her problems while I enjoy her company plenty. We are not the closest of friends nor do I share a relationship like I did with my Mom, I think both of us realise we are not seeking it and respect each other plenty, she absolutely does not directly, or indirectly through her son try to run my life in anyway and I love her for that!
Sujatha, one can never be buddies with a DIL, but can share a healthy mature relationship – this is what I have learnt. It grows (I hope) into a rich and affectionate relationship. Its two years since my son got married and we get along thank God. I see others in the pits around me
whoa…you’re a real nice MIL. Can i marry your youngest son?
LOLLL Now I am getting proposals! Sweetie you can marry him, if you and he get along and have a mutual love+respect+blah blah. MILs are secondary
Well you learned the hard way, by going through a baptism of fire…so you are making sure, you dont revisit the sins of your MIL.Thanks for all the tips gal…I shall abide, when my turn comes. However, I think here, the problems may arise more from her MIL, so I should send her this to place on her MIL’s dressing table
What about a blog on over protective fathers???
Oh absolutely – actually gift this to her as a pre-nup hehehehe. I did a blog on protective fathers – here’s the link http://www.phoenixritu.com/2008/09/01/my-little-girl-aint-gonna-grow-up-ever/
Do read it
how lovely! Wonderful advice for the MILs to be. You have a wonderful blog…I’ll be back to read more,
trupti
The Spice Who Loved Me
I love the name of your blog – am visiting too
well written Ritu .keep up the good job.
Thank you very much
Ritu, I am so amazed at this post!
I am sending you a virtual hug right now, and demand to meet you as soona swe can manage that!
This is sooooooo womderful…I wish most women think like you. It would make life so much easier for all of us.
I’d have loved to have you as a MIL!!!
God bless u and ur family too!
Yeah, I would love to meet you Chandni
[...] http://www.phoenixritu.com/2008/07/07/the-tyranny-of-being-a-mother-in-law/ [...]
Wow Ritu, this is an amazing post.
I am coming from your awards post onto this,
yes yes yes i voted right
and yes yes yes
you won right…
[...] ritu for her post as MIL which is certainly the coolest post eva from a mum-in-law. She’s the coolest one! [...]
I am rubbing my eyes in disbelief!!! are there such MILs in real!!
I wish I had one!!
Thank you Sakhi! As my DIL says “Mom you’re a right ole fraud and you do know how to impress LOL”
I had to go through all the posts to come to this one…and trust me , you left me all teary. I’m a daughter in law, and I had the same kind of thoughts…and you have described them so beautifully with no negativity…loved this Ritu…
Hey Prats there is no negativity here. Its age old tradition that the young women take over … so big deal, why fight it. I wanna hand them over, quills, messy habits, moods and all to the brave young women who marry them ….. the sooner the better, and watch the sparks fly for entertainment
Brilliantly written!! My best friend’s MIL did not even come to visit her when she had an abortion!! Biatch!! U rock ritu!
There are so many better target for angst, why take it out on your family members and mess up your own life? If I get mad, I’d rather go shopping
Wow! Khaash all MILs are as understanding as u r. Y on earth do they think the DIL comes in to snatch their son awayyyy from them?
Wow!!!!! Wonderful post for MIL’s. That is true MIL search yields nothing but ‘hate’ sites!
My MIL is as open-minded as you are and I love her for that!
Btw, I chanced your site through IL and already a fan of your posts!
Thank you! Yes there are normal women who are MILs too, who do not get insecure (not too much), but they dont get much press do they?
Very nice post. I am a mother of 2 young boys married to a guy who was also born in a family of 2 boys.
I really regret that I do not have a good relationship with my M-I-L. I would love to share all tidbits with her just like with my parents – but the tendency to read between lines and comparisons make me wary. I really speak my mind and she is just the opposite – different thoughts and different actions. I wish if we could speak openly to the required extent many misunderstandings can be resolved. But alas, I guess just as I cannot hide my thoughts and expressions she cannot express them.
Anyway I have always wanted to make a note to myself to learn from my experiences but you do it practically which is way much harder !!
Hmm, sounds like me and my DIL. Our generation of women were brought up with the maxim “Keep your mouth shut and do not express yourself. Its not lady like!” Girls these days are outspoken. But an understanding can be reached, you know. We Just Have to Work At It
God bless you woman!
Thank you Ramit